Things People Care About, That I Don’t.

Anything pertaining to Football. I haven’t watched a game all year. That’s been the case for a number of years, really. Football used to be an entertaining sport before every part of it got dissected like a pregnant frog for television, to be jabbered about by half-wits in ugly suits. The Super Bowl is a social event, really, just an excuse to judge commercial aesthetics, eat pub food, and moan about the half-time show.

Celebrities with Covid. Oh, no, not Larry King, the guy who’s interviews I’ve never watched! What will become of us if I’m not able to have warm feeling about him? If he dies, I just, I just won’t know how I can go on…
I get it. He’s an old man and he’s sick. So let me state for the record that my earnest hope is that he makes a full recovery, so I can be surprised by his continued earthly existence sometime next year. But I’m not related to him, he’s not my friend, I’m not even that familiar with his work. He’s just some guy completely memed by the media into Special Status.

Really, any celebrities. They’re just… not that interesting, as people. What you think you know about them is marketing fluff designed to prime you to consume their next product. I know that sounds communist, but I don’t mean it that way. Consume whatever you want. Just don’t care about the producers. They don’t care about you.

2021. This thing that we do where we treat years like sentient entities was already tired at the end of 2016, and has gotten worse with every subsequent year. Last year was the meme becoming self-aware and launching its missiles at the Russians (that’s a Terminator 2 reference, kids). 2020 didn’t do anything to you, a virus and the government did. Guess what? They still are. Covid doesn’t care that the calendar flipped. The year will be what it is.

In Other News, Matt Damon Wants Us to Know About his Bowel Movements, and Justin Bieber is Kind of a Punk.

No. Not short enough.

So Matt Damon seems to have just found out that not everyone in the world has access to a flush toilet. His response, well then he won’t use one either, then.  Apparently until johns are provided for the 2.5 billion people who lack them.

“Does anybody have any idea what invention has saved more lives than any other in the history of humankind?” the 42-year-old actor asked a room of “reporters,” “The toilet.”

True. Which is why you should USE ONE.

Meanwhile, at the Grammy’s (words I’ve made it thus far without uttering), the Black Keys won a bunch of awards for riding the zeitgeist like an old Huffy. But because a few tween girls managed to make it into the press corps for the event, someone asked drummer Patrick Carney if Justin Beiber should feel dissed.

“He’s rich, right?” Carney said when asked if Bieber should feel burned. “Grammys are for, like, music, not for money … and he’s making a lot of money. He should be happy, I guess.”

Such naivete cannot go unpunished, so Frankie Valley Lief Garret Davy Jones David Cassidy Donnie Wahlberg Justin Bieber decided to give Carney a display of his famed wit:


That’s all. I just got weary of the political beat for a while. It’s refreshing to touch down and be reminded that celebrities are still vapid idiots.