Things That I Hope Other New Fathers Have Thought Within the First Week of Their Child’s Life…

“So this is what insomnia feels like. I wonder if I’m going to get so tired I’ll create a cool alter ego of myself who wants to blow up credit card companies. I mean, I wouldn’t mind doing that normally, so…”
“I am going to find out what breast milk tastes like. This is going to happen.”
“Is that a smile? Or did she just void her bladder?”
“I see we’re still trying to suck exclusively on the sleeve I’m trying to get your hand in. Well played, small one.”
“Did I just sit through some ersatz version of The View featuring the goth-y teen from Roseanne? What the hell is going on?”
“I know there’s some kind of medicinal augury that can be done on the fact that my baby’s poop looks like German Chocolate Icing. But do I want to meet the person who can do it?”