When I was in middle school, they used to take us down to the multi-purpose room and make us watch plodding videos about nutrition (vegetables good, sugar bad), and then preach to us about the kinds of things we should be eating. I remember one day when the teachers asked whether we should be drinking whole milk or skim.

“Skim” replied the students on cue. “Whole!” I cried alone amid the din.

Because skim milk looks and tastes like water with food coloring, and because the hell with them. Learn how not to look like a Dover cow in a pantsuit before you tell my 65-pound, slim-jean-wearing ass that it doesn’t need all that fat.

However two-minutes-hate that may seem in retrospect, it pales in comparison to what the food fascists have done in North Carolina.

The mother, who doesn’t wish to be identified at this time, says she made her daughter a lunch that contained a turkey and cheese sandwich, a banana, apple juice and potato chips. A state inspector assessing the pre-K program at the school said the girl also needed a vegetable, so the inspector ordered a full school lunch tray for her. While the four-year-old was still allowed to eat her home lunch, the girl was forced to take a helping of chicken nuggets, milk, a fruit and a vegetable to supplement her sack lunch.

The mother says the girl was so intimidated by the inspection process that she was too scared to eat all of her homemade lunch. The girl ate only the chicken nuggets provided to her by the school, so she still didn’t eat a vegetable.

Mix one part bureaucratic officiousness, one part totalitarian busybodying, and splash generously with unintended consequences. Yields 1 serving of Leviathan Stew.

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