Man Complains About Foofoo Whiskey, Proceeds to Use It to Create the Most Foofoo Cocktail Of All Time

Some people say “fru-fru” but in my college days, we all referred to “foofoo drinks”. I believe our standard for what constituted a foofoo drink was:

  • Any cocktail named after a magazine
  • Any cocktail that is pink
  • Any cocktail containing liquer

This was the 90’s, so you can probably guess what cocktail was specifically on our minds. I’d concede that this was the pedantry of inexperienced, Because I’ve had Cosmopolitans, and if properly made, they’re a most refreshing cocktail, if a bit girly. But I’d drink Cosmos every day with my pinky out, just gushing about my hot dates before I ever allowed Peanut Butter Whiskey to pass my lips.

Flavored whiskey is an abomination.  It’s one thing to add a buch of sugary syrup to vodka, because vodka has no flavor. Whiskey, however, does have a flavor, a sharp tang of bitterness that suits a grown-up’s palate. And there are variations in flavor amid the various kinds of whiskeys: scotch, bourbon, rye, Canadian, and Irish whiskeys each have their own style. The aesthetic experience of imbibing whiskey is not improved by adulterating it. Just admit that you want something that tastes like candy and leave perfectly good spirits alone.

And if you think I’m just having a go at girly drinks again, let me just state that in my family the women enjoy their whiskey like they do their men: straight, strong, and icy.

But since the turn of the 21st century the whisky industry has suffered self-inflicted indignity, with Red Stag, Jack Daniel’s Honey, Crown Royal Apple, Rock and Rye, flavored whiskies that don’t add slight accents to whiskey, but instead have all the subtlety of a Washington D.C. Womyn’s March. And don’t even get me started on Crown Royal Maple, it’s not even fit for pouring on French Toast, if you were so inclined. And the blasphemy of blasphemies, the armageddon of the cocktail culture that has forever ruined the bar business, is that blend of formaldehyde and cinnamon that is Fireball, rife with the artificial taste of cinnamon flavoring, table sugar and regret.

I agree with this. But then the author betrays his enjoyment of Skrewball Peanut Butter Whiskey and proceeds to create a liqueur-stuffed alcoholic milkshake with it called the Nutty Buddy. All of which says to me that the above is mere rhetorical dressing to cover up the fact that someone said “Peanut Butter whiskey” and some dark corner of his mind wanted to try it. Only the ones who hold standards can betray them.

harrumph_2

Culinary Discoveries

I’ve been told by my Unnamed Journal collaborator Mike that Goldfish pairs well with scotch. He may have specified cheap scotch. This has led to pairing Cheez-it’s with Dewars and Goldfish with Wild Turkey. Both are satisfying.

And that’s how the line up for the next issue of UJ was set.

When I Drink Whiskey, I Drink Whiskey

Amusing post by the Washington Free Beacon about Why You’re Drinking Whiskey Wrong. What caught my attention was the last bit:

8. It’s fine to shoot flavored whiskey.

If the owner of a whiskey bar thinks it’s OK to take shots of Fireball and honey whiskey, it’s probably OK. “I’m not going to sit with it on the rocks, but it’s just fun to shoot,” Simoneau says.

Look, to each his own and all that. But if you’re shooting these and I catch you do it I’m going to mock you mercilessly and we might stop being friends. You’re not in college any more. Act like a f—ing grownup.

I’m in no position to cast stones, at least insofar as my college years go. I used to mix creme de menthe and milk for God’s sake. I might as well have had footie pajamas on.

Some liquors are meant for mixing. Rum, certainly, and vodka. But whiskey is meant to be enjoyed as whiskey. Cinnamon whiskey is for noobs. Honey whiskey is for teenage noobs. If you want all your alcoholic beverages to taste like candy, there’s a million varieties of marshmallow vodka to appeal to your stunted taste. Stop ruining perfectly good whiskey.