In Other News, Matt Damon Wants Us to Know About his Bowel Movements, and Justin Bieber is Kind of a Punk.

No. Not short enough.

So Matt Damon seems to have just found out that not everyone in the world has access to a flush toilet. His response, well then he won’t use one either, then.  Apparently until johns are provided for the 2.5 billion people who lack them.

“Does anybody have any idea what invention has saved more lives than any other in the history of humankind?” the 42-year-old actor asked a room of “reporters,” “The toilet.”

True. Which is why you should USE ONE.

Meanwhile, at the Grammy’s (words I’ve made it thus far without uttering), the Black Keys won a bunch of awards for riding the zeitgeist like an old Huffy. But because a few tween girls managed to make it into the press corps for the event, someone asked drummer Patrick Carney if Justin Beiber should feel dissed.

“He’s rich, right?” Carney said when TMZ.com asked if Bieber should feel burned. “Grammys are for, like, music, not for money … and he’s making a lot of money. He should be happy, I guess.”

Such naivete cannot go unpunished, so Frankie Valley Lief Garret Davy Jones David Cassidy Donnie Wahlberg Justin Bieber decided to give Carney a display of his famed wit:

oh_snap__burn

That’s all. I just got weary of the political beat for a while. It’s refreshing to touch down and be reminded that celebrities are still vapid idiots.

Film About Liberace Rejected For Being “Too Gay.”

I don’t know if there’s any response to that other than laughter.

“We needed $5 million. Nobody would do it.”

Wait a minute, we said. Let us get this straight: No studio would budget $5 million for a movie with Damon and Douglas?

“They said it was too gay. Everybody. This was after ‘Brokeback Mountain,’ by the way. Which is not as funny as this movie. I was stunned. It made no sense to any of us.”

Yeah, who wouldn’t want to see Matt Damon smooch with the fossilized remains of Michael Douglass in a film about a really really not very interesting performer? That’s called “Behind the Candelabra”?

Every day brings new evidence that Affleck was the smart one.

Maaaaaaatt Daaaaaamon.