Star Trek Beyond Trailer Causes Trekkie Rage

J.J. Abrams Executive produced this one, and, as the trailer indicates, it was directed by the guy who did Fast & Furious 8.  So, there’s that.

In the comments, they are NOT taking it well. And I definitely see why they wouldn’t. Star Trek was not supposed to be an action-movie franchise. It was supposed to be a serious rumination on humanity’s future in space.

But it hasn’t ever really been that. At least, not on the big screen.

Let’s look at the Star Trek movies, shall we?

Star Trek: the Motion Picture (I) – Decent but unexciting trip through the dark heart of the future as-imagined in the 1970’s. It’s like a long “Space 1999” episode with a poignant ending.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan – Star Trek as Moby Dick, with Kirk as the Whale and Spock as Vulcan Jesus. Lots of violence and brainworms.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock – In which we resurrect Vulcan Jesus, and we blow up the Enterprise. Also, Kirk gets a good reason to hate Klingons, which will be important later. Much later.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home – Many Trekkies actually like this one a lot, because it bears the closest resemblance to a Trek TV episode, right down to the lame time-travel plot. It’s also suitably weird, and seems to involve whales saving Planet earth. Whatever.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier – Spock has a brother who’s a creepy mesmerist/cult leader looking for the location of God in space. Hilarity ensues.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country – My personal favorite, and more of a political intrigue/murder mystery than anything else. I suppose it fits the ideal, though.

Star Trek: Generations (VII) – Indescribably ridiculous first foray to the Next Gen series. Not even Malcolm McDowell can rescue it.

Star Trek: First Contact (VIII) – Straight-up militarist action Borgwar movie. Even has a tiresome time-travel plot and a Moby Dick reference. I remember Trekkies complaining about this one for the same reason they dislike this new trailer, even though it was miles better than the previous film.

Star Trek: Insurrection (IX) – A long TV episode, and in fact, a rip-off off an actual Next-Gen episode, except this time every character does the opposite of what they would normally do. And then Picard does some swashbuckling.  Watch this Mr. Plinkett takedown for further elucidation.

Star Trek: Nemesis (X) – In which the Next Generation goes full Goth in order to slip several plot devices from Wrath of Khan past us in the hopes that we won’t notice.

We tally this data together, and how many of these fit the Rodenberry mold of what Star Trek was to be about? And how many of those are worth watching?

Maybe Star Trek should leave the movies to Star Wars. Just a thought.

 

Anyone Who’s Offended by Anyone on Red Eye is Too Stupid to Watch Star Wars

Knock it off, nerds.

More than a month ago, I made some jokes about Star Wars on Red Eye, a satirical political comedy show that airs at 3 a.m., and it has resulted in me being verbally abused and told to die by a mob of enraged fans for the past four days now.  The capital-offense comments were: “I have never had any interest in watching space nerds poke each other with their little space nerd sticks, and I’m not going to start now.

I don’t need to prove my Star Wars fan status, just hit the tag attached to this post. And if I did need to prove my status, then I wouldn’t because that’s deeply lame. But as a fan, the line about space nerd sticks is funny. It just is.

Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

So maybe instead of posting a ten-minute video about how ANGRY you are  that someone on Red Eye made a joke about your fandom, maybe just laugh it off and go back to making excited speculations about why Luke isn’t in the trailer.

Is this what being a Star Wars fan means? That we have to pretend that Star Wars is the most important thing that ever happened? That we have to send people death threats? Death Threats? Really? (Yeah, I know Beardy the Wonderfan offers the obligatory denunciation of death threats. But we shouldn’t have to denounce death threats made by Star Wars fans)

What do you do when you encounter someone who was born in say, the 1990’s, and never saw the Original Trilogy? Do you strap them down, peel back their eyeballs and give them a Ludovico viewing? BECAUSE STAR WARS IS A POP CULTURE INSTITUTION AND ALL MUST KNOW IT AND ALL MUST LIKE IT AND I FIND YOUR LACK OF FAITH DISTURBING.

The whole point of Red Eye is to engage in forbidden, non-PC humor (that’s why it’s on Fox). Nothing they say on that show should ever be taken at all seriously. If you can’t understand that, you’re too dumb to watch Star Wars, because you probably think that if you concentrate hard enough you can use the Force to make the Thrawn Trilogy better than mediocre (yeah, I said it. Come at me, nerds).

This is the kind of pedantic dweebery I expect from Trekkies. We’re supposed to be cooler than that. Come on.