Apparently Hillary Clinton can’t let it hang loose and be all truth-telling and pure like Senator Yells-at-Clouds because her woman-ness won’t let her. So this supporter does it for her. Beneath, a fisking. Original in bold, response in italic.

As Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton have become head-to-head rivals, their denizens have begun attacking each other, the Democratic Party eating itself like a snake that loves science and Planned Parenthood. And things have gotten ugly.

This just in: political campaigns result in politicians saying political things against their rivals. Get ready to set your hair on fire.

For many of us, it’s not simply politics as usual. It’s very personal.

For me, the backlash against Hillary Clinton feels very, very personal.

The personal is political, or so we’ve been told. So again, when does this become new?

Can you imagine how absolutely infuriating it must be for Hillary to have to work so hard to be likable, but strong? Hip, but above the need to be seen as cool? For everything she says to be perfect because she’d be crucified otherwise, meanwhile Bernie Sanders could say pretty much anything he wants and it would be seen as the goddamn revolution? I’m so infuriated on her behalf. Because what you like about Bernie, what they like about Trump, she doesn’t get to do that. She doesn’t get to be all wild hair and yelling. 

Oh, the violins, the violins! Hillary has to appeal to as many people as possible, and continously market herself as appealing to the voters in her party! It’s like she’s running for the highest office in the land or something! 

Correct me if I’m wrong, but Hillary just won in Iowa, right? Not by much, but she won? So it appears that her marketing is doing better than Bernie’s at this point in the campaign, right?

Do I wish different? Of course. And the first female president would go a long way toward making that difference possible.

After we get a female president, female candidates for the presidency will be able to step onstage and demand the heads of anyone who speak ill of them, and the voters will be fine with it. Because the American political system always rewards extremists. Always.

So since Hillary cannot yell, since by the virtue of being sane and not a white man she is forced to be the biggest adult in the room, just like Obama has had to for eight goddamn years, I will yell for her.

Bernie Sanders is not sane, and not an adult. Or something.

Enjoy the logic: women can’t yell because it counts against them, so I’m going to yell and this will…do something…. achieve emotional catharsis. Wake the Dead. Something.

FIRST AND FUCKING FOREMOST, COOL, YOU LIKE BERNIE’S WISHES AND DREAMS APPROACH TO POLITICS. “FREE COLLEGE FOR EVERYONE AND A GODDAMN PONY.” YES, THAT SOUNDS FUCKING WONDERFUL BUT DO YOU THINK HILLARY COULD EVEN SAY THOSE WORDS WITHOUT FOX NEWS LITERALLY BURYING HER ALIVE IN TAMPONS AND CRUCIFIXES?

Because right now Fox is in Hillary’s camp. They’ve been so reticent to engage in criticism of her. But if she starts talking like Bernie Sanders, They’ll engage in Double-Secret Super Criticism.

Also, I thought we were done with putting “literally” in every sentence requiring emphasis. Have we not achieved consensus on that? 

YOU DON’T LIKE THAT SHE HAD CERTAIN NOW-UNACCEPTABLE POLICIES BACK IN THE ’90S? HEY, I GET THAT THAT SHIT SEEMS LIKE LAST WEEK, BUT IT WAS ANOTHER GODDAMN WORLD ENTIRELY. I GET THAT WE ALL THINK WE’RE THE UNIVERSE’S BESTEST HUMANS BUT MOST OF THIS COUNTRY JUST LEARNED TRANS PEOPLE EXIST, LIKE, YESTERDAY. LET’S NOT PRETEND WE’VE ALL BEEN THE MOST INCLUSIVE PROGRESSIVE SUPER-COOL PEEPS FOR LIKE A THOUSAND YEARS NOW. PROGRESSIVE MEANS JUST THAT–PROGRESS. SHIT THAT WAS A BIG GODDAMN DEAL AT THE TIME IS NOT COOL NOW. PROGRESS. IT’S FUCKING SWELL.

I was taught in middle school in the 80’s that trans people exist. I have always known this. I don’t see why everyone’s decided to talk about trans people as though they just arrived from the moon of Gemini. I mean, other than the fact that the Left have carried gays all the way to the finish line and now require a new Noble Innocent to White-Knight for.

Shall I discuss the fact that basically having to argue “I’m don’t have the wrong opinions anymore” is not arguing from a position of strength? Or is that obvious?

YOU DON’T LIKE THAT SHE PLAYS THE GAME? THAT SHE HAS TIES TO THE ESTABLISHMENT? FOR ONE THING, THAT’S HOW SHIT FUCKING GETS DONE. FOR THE OTHER THING, THE BIGGEST THING, A WOMAN DOESN’T GET THE FUCKING OPTION *NOT* TO PLAY THE GAME. NOT NOW. NOT YET. WE ALL WISH THINGS WERE DIFFERENT BUT THEY DON’T BECOME DIFFERENT WHILE WE’RE ATTACKING THE FUCKING PERSON WHO CAN MAKE THAT POSSIBLE.

First of all, Hillary doesn’t have *ties* to the Establishment. Hillary *is* the Establishment. 

Second, if Elizabeth Warren had jumped into the race, she’d be running the very same campaign that Bernie is now, because that’s her thing. She’d be the uncompromising populist ideologue, and you’d be swooning for her, and you’d be gleefully repeating every criticism of Hillary that you’re condemning now. But Warren decided to sit this one out, so the Left drafted Bernie, so now when an old white dude says what a slightly-younger white lady would have said, it is a judgement on gender norms.

The populists are beating up on the establishment this year. It’s happening in the GOP, too. Get over yourself.

AND THESE NEW BERNIE VS. HILLARY MEMES. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN DOING?

SERIOUSLY? THAT’S YOUR LINE? SHE’S NOT COOL ENOUGH? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN WANT FROM HER? WOMEN HAVE TRIED FOR YEARS TO “HAVE IT ALL” AND THEN WE GET YELLED AT FOR TRYING TO HAVE THE IMPOSSIBLE “ALL” BUT THEN IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH WHEN WE DON’T HAVE THE “ALL.” IT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT.

You guys, you’re not supposed to run the attack you run on every Republican on us! It’s not fair!

Am I really supposed to feel sorry for Hillary? Am I really supposed to pretend that a woman who enjoyed an upper-middle-class upbringing, went to tony schools, and has been enjoying the perks of government life as long as I’ve been alive hasn’t “had it all”? Are we all just supposed to hand her the Presidency because it will be “meaningful” that she has it? 

THE DAY MY HUSBAND TOLD ME HE LIKED BERNIE, HE SAID, “I mean, how great is it to have a president who just doesn’t even care how his hair looks” AND I EXPLODED “DO YOU THINK THERE EXISTS A WORLD WHERE A WOMAN COULD EVEN CONSIDER THAT?”

Your husband is clearly a shallow idiot. There is a widely-held but unexamined prejudice that anyone who appears to be a hobo that ran through a Goodwill is expressing “authenticity”. What they’re expressing is contempt. I have days where I don’t bother about my hair and I go outside in public looking like I jumped into the hamper and put on what stuck. I do that not because I’m trying to express my true self but because I’ve decided that the opinions of others are worth less than moldy dog droppings. 

It is twaddle that men do not consider their appearance. Look at the GOP candidates. Every single one of them dons the best outfit they can afford, has their hair done by pros. Even Trump is fiercely sensitive about his hideous rug.

Bernie gets away with his appearance because he give the impression of having once been a smelly hippy. I am certain that his image is likewise carefully crafted.

AND THE MOST MINDBLOWING PART? THIS ISN’T EVEN COMING FROM THE GOP!

That word, “mindblowing.” I do not think that word means what you think it means.

BECAUSE WHAT I AM SEEING IS THE SAME THING WE SEE WITH OBAMA ONLY ON THE MORE LIBERAL END OF THE SPECTRUM–PEOPLE WHO WOULD NEVER CONSIDER THEMSELVES BIGOTS IN ANYWAY BUT JUST KNOW THERE IS *SOMETHING* THEY DON’T CARE FOR ABOUT THIS PERSON. THEY REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT SOMETHING COULD BE SKIN COLOR OR GENDER BUT FOR VERY MANY OF THEM IT ABSOLUTELY FUCKING IS.

What you say are your reasons are a lie. What I say are your reasons are the only authentic truth. Your refusal to accept the truth I assign you fills me with rage. 

I’M NOT SAYING THERE AREN’T REASONS SOMEONE SHOULD DISLIKE HILLARY OR PREFER BERNIE. THAT IS FINE. THAT IS YOUR JOURNEY. BUT LET’S NOT PRETEND FOR A SECOND THAT THERE WOULD BE *THIS MANY* ISSUES WITH HILLARY IF SHE WAS A GODDAMN MAN.

It’s not that there are issues, it’s that there are so many of them! It is your fault for having issues. Some of your issues can be valid, but I will not tell you which ones. Do you see how well I’m feigning tolerance?

AND IF YOU COME AT ME FOR EVEN ONE GODDAMN SECOND WITH A “YOU JUST LIKE HER BECAUSE SHE’S A WOMAN” I WILL DESTROY YOU WHERE YOU STAND. I LIKE HER! I LIKE HER POLICIES, I LIKE HER PLANS, I LIKE WHAT SHE STANDS FOR, I LIKE THAT SHE’S GROWN AND EVOLVED AS A HUMAN AND POLITICIAN! I LIKE THAT SHE WAS FOR MANY OF US MY AGE ONE OF OUR FIRST ROLE MODELS OF A SMART, PROFESSIONAL, KICKASS WOMAN AND THAT SHE ISN’T AFRAID OF THE WORD “FEMINIST” AND I’M SICK OF HAVING TO APOLOGIZE FOR LIKING HER, FOR HAVING TO QUALIFY AND SEE YOUR SIDE AND RESPECT YOUR OPINION WHEN I FUCKING DON’T AND YOU FUCKING DON’T RIGHT BACK. I LIKE HER!

I love it when the mask slips. It’s soooooo hard having to hide your contempt for all the wrong people, isn’t it? Do they not even see how much it hurts you, being how wrong they are? Why won’t they stop being wrong?

AND MOST OF YOU LIKE HER POLICIES AND PLANS TOO BECAUSE A) THEY’RE BASICALLY FUCKING OBAMA AND B) THEY’RE NOT THAT FUCKING DIFFERENT THAN FUCKING BERNIE.

A) They don’t like Obama’s policies all that much. They like him; he’s a rock star. But they think he’s been adult-ing too much, compromising too much (preposterous from where I sit, but never mind). They want the Free-College-and-a-Pony Full Venezuela, and they want it yesterday.

B) It doesn’t matter what Hillary says. It matters whether anyone believes she will do any of the things she says. They believe it from Bernie.

THIS IS BASICALLY TWITTER RIGHT NOW:

Hillary: College should be affordable.
Twitter: Establishment puppet, no better than GOP.
Bernie: College should be affordable.
Twitter: DAD

Meh. See above.

AND THE THING IS–I LIKE BERNIE! EVERYONE LIKES BERNIE! BECAUSE CRAZY GRANDPA IS TOTALLY ELECTABLE BUT CRAZY GRANDMA NEVER COULD BE. BUT WHY DO WE HAVE TO HATE HER TO SHOW HOW MUCH WE LOVE HIM? SOCIALIST JESUS TAKE THE FUCKING WHEEL.

IT IS ABSOLUTELY GUT WRENCHING THAT THIS BADASS, IMPORTANT WOMAN HAS BEEN DIMINSHED AND WRITTEN OFF AND HATED HER WHOLE CAREER, HER WHOLE EXISTENCE AS A PUBLIC FIGURE. YOU LIKE BERNIE BECAUSE HE DOESN’T PLAY THE GAME, BUT FOR HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON, FOR A WOMAN, SHE HAS HAD NO OTHER CHOICE.

It wasn’t that she wanted to blame her husband’s serial philandering and sexual harassment on Right-Wing Conspiracies, you see. She had no choice. In order for her to be important, she had to be corrupt, conniving, and utterly without principle. She had to put her emails on her own private server. She had to lie about Benghazi. There was no other option.

No, it wasn’t possible for her to distance herself from the Obama administration after she had ceased to serve it, to come clean about the errors that adminstration is complicit in, to rally the base of her party with a new, Revolutionary Hillary! That is ontologically impossible.

Elizabeth Warren doesn’t exist. Shut up.

BUT THOSE WHO COME AFTER HER MIGHT.

After President Hillary, female candidates will wear sweatpants to debates, curse like a sailor in front of schoolchildren, and promise unicorns and skittles to everyone, and they will get elected again and again and again. You just have to believe! You in the back there! YOU’RE NOT BELIEVING HARD ENOUGH! YOU’RE MAKING ME ANGRY!

SO, YES, I’M EMOTIONAL AND I’M YELLING. BECAUSE THIS IS FUCKING EMOTIONAL FOR ME. I WANT A FEMALE PRESIDENT AND I WANT PRESIDENT HILLARY CLINTON. I WANT BOTH OF THESE THINGS BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE I WANT WOMEN TO HAVE AN EQUAL FUCKING FAIR SHAKE. I’M SICK OF THIS STUPID BULLSHIT DISGUISED AS POLITICS, MASQUERADING AS POLITICAL OPINION.

SO FUCK EVERYTHING. I’M WITH HER.

I want it! I want it! I want it, and it’s not fair! It’s not fair that other people get to vote based on their own sets of values, which do not include selecting a president primarily on chromosomal pairing! 

If a man is criticized for his appearance (Dole), his age (McCain), his connection to the Establishment (Romney), that doesn’t mean it’s fair to do it to Hillary! Because having a female president is more important than anything.

LAST TIME WE GOT MELANIN, THIS TIME WE GET OVARIES. THAT WAS THE DEAL, YOU GUYS!