Speaks: One spoken line and a reprised song.

Function: To look like Justin Bieber, sashay in like a high-school drama star, kiss the Princess and ride off with her, while the Dwarfs who gave her shelter and chased her attacker to her death at great personal risk get a great big bucket of nothing.

Speaks: 3-4 spoken lines and a duet.

Function: To look bored at all the pretty young things his father offers him until Cinderella shows up, then be spoken about for the rest of the movie until he shows up at the wedding.

Speaks:A good many lines, a duet.

Function: To be the first Disney prince with a personality. To dispatch the dragon like a knight sans peur, Beowulf-style.

Speaks: Several scenes testifying to his cluelessness and rage issues, but no songs.

Function: To give charge of his unruly youngest daughter to a small crab, to terrify and alienate said daughter and then leave her to his own devices, to fumble about looking for her without once thinking “hey, could she have gone to the Sea Witch, maybe you think?”, to give no thought at all to all the mer-people said Sea Witch has entrapped over the years, to surrender (at the force of a CONTRACT, no less) his kingdom of mer-people and his six elder daughters to the mercy of aforementioned monstrous Sea Witch, and when all consequences for this are averted, to give the daughter who started all of this everything she wanted because why not?

Speaks: Several scenes demonstrating general decency and absurd romanticism.

Function: To be into sailing and stuff, to find other young women uninteresting, to be more into singing voices than a Glee fan club, to get mesmerized by Ursula, to be pretty okay with his lady love turning out to be half-fish, to kill the terrifying, now semi-divine Sea Witch with a sharp piece of wood (You hear that, Triton? A SHARP PIECE OF WOOD).

Speaks: A complete character arc (I know, right?).

Function: To be a selfish, infantile bag of rage until Belle walks into his life, then to become the classic example of Fake It Till You Make It.

Speaks: Some hilarious scenes and the best villain songs ever (sorry, Ursula, but the combination of “Gaston’s Song” and “Kill the Beast,” just edge out “Poor Unfortuate Souls”).

Function: To be a willfully ignorant but scarily persuasive jock.

Speaks: I don’t know; I never saw it.

Function: White guilt, I guess?

Speaks: Some scenes, and songs, all of which kind of meld together.

Function: To be generally irritating yet inexplicably alluring to a young woman who otherwise seems to understand life pretty well. Also, to like jazz.

Speaks: Many scenes, part of a song, a duet.

Function: To narrate the story, provide a snarky counterpoint to the innocent heroine’s search for identity while displaying a sensitive, wistful side. To refuse to sing until forced at swordpoint.

Speaks: Several scenes, a duet

Function: To display Littlefinger-like dexterity in playing Arendelle’s game of thrones. To be the poster boy for Fake Nice Guys.

Speaks: Most of the story’s second act, but no songs (even though a song is sung about him, in front of him).

Function: To be the grumpy, flea-bitten Han Solo to Anna’s wide-eyed, quick-tempered Princess Leia. Also, to give a voice to Maximus with Antlers Sven.