Important Information About H.P. Lovecraft

H.P. Lovecraft is primarily known as a writer of “weird” horror fiction, but his role in establishing Mythos is perhaps even more significant. Among the Mythoses he is credited with building structure for are True Detective, Reanimator, and My Little Pony.

H.P. Lovecraft was born in 1890. His father Winfield Scott Lovecraft, was a man of great passions and consequently of great syphilis. His mother Susan Phillips, an heiress, is credited with inventing the helicopter as a means of keeping her son under regular supervision, but this story is disputed.

H.P. Lovecraft died shortly after Robert Howard did. They were great friends and maintained a considerable correspondence. They often sent each other dick pics, which was a considerable undertaking at that time. This was not evidence of homosexual inclinations, but in Howard’s words “more like a game of Made You Look”. Howard goes on to imply that Lovecraft started it.

H.P. Lovecraft’s World War I service has recently been declassified. He spent the years 1916-1918 on the Miskatonic Front, leading a steampunk battalion against Ivo Shandor’s army of ghouls. For this service, he was warded the Medal of Honor, the Victoria Cross, the Pour le Merite, and a bucket of duck meat.

H.P. Lovecraft was not considered a great lover, but he managed to hypnotize a rich divorcee into marrying him. He is said to have used a confusion induction.

H.P. Lovecraft liked fish, but only if they were prepared in keeping with Kosher Law.

H.P. Lovecraft is considered the father of the theory that H.H. Holmes was also Jack the Ripper. He submitted an article about this to the United Amateur Press Association, who rejected the theory on the grounds of it being “retarded”. Lovecraft went into a deep depression as a result, until he discovered Marshmallow Peeps.

H.P. Lovecraft’s fondness for marshmallows was so intense that his original title for “The Call of Cthulhu” was “The Call of Marshmallow,” but he sneezed while typing and said “ah, whatever.”

H.P. Lovecraft founded the NAACP, but those letters stood for different words at the time.

H.P. Lovecraft dated your mom. She has steamy letters from him. They rhyme. Your mom will deny this. Do not believe her lies.

H.P. Lovecraft is behind you right now. He will skillfully vanish when you turn around, and then return, drumming his fingers together, smiling.

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