I don’t know why October 3rd is Mean Girls Day, and I have no intention of finding out. Such things have become loathsome to me (especially Star Wars Day, which was funny once, and is now agonizing, especially when the deeper dorks pair it with “Revenge of the Fifth” on Cinqo de Mayo. No one cares, nerds), as the celebration of art can only have meaning insofar as it inspires others to make art. There’s a through line running from Heathers to Clueless to Mean Girls, in which each attempts to codify the experience of Middle-Class Teenage Girls in America in the 80’s, 90’s, and 00’s, respectively. One cannot escape the conclusion that each film drew from what came before, reacting and flipping the script. That’s inspiration.

Being informed by Variety that Mean Girls is streaming in 23 parts on TikTok is just cheerleading product. And Old Product, at that. It makes me want to jump on it with all my strength, which on this blog means a Fisking. Original in bold, responses in italics, because it is, in fact, my lawn, and you darn kids should get off of it.

Happy Mean Girls Day to all who celebrate!

How precisely does one “celebrate“ such a thing? Wear pink, obviously, but what if it isn’t Wednesday? Do you put foot cream on your face? Eat toothpaste? Go Shopping?

In observance of the date, Paramount Pictures launched an official account for “Mean Girls” on TikTok (at this link) — and has made the entire one hour, 47 minute film available for free on the platform, broken up into 23 clips.

Shit like this makes me wish that we would reconsider communism. Almost.

The bio for the official “Mean Girls” TikTok account says, “Get in loser, we’re going shopping.” Mean Girls Day has become popular among fans of the 2004 film because of a scene where Aaron Samuels (Jonathan Bennett) asks Cady Heron (Lindsay Lohan) what day it is, and she replies, “It’s Oct. 3” — as shown in this clip.

Well, there goes the delicate bloom of my ignorance. Notice how utterly inconsequential this information is. Because the date is mentioned in the movie, slaves fans have made it theirs, because this is what we have been memed to do. You’re not really a FAN unless you participate in fake holidays of your favorite product online. Baudrillard was right about everything.

If you prefer to watch movies the old-fashioned way, “Mean Girls” is currently available on Paramount+ and free to watch on YouTube with ads (as well as available to buy via digital video stores like Amazon and Apple iTunes). The TikTok account links out to Paramount’s website listing retailers that offer DVD, Blu-ray and digital versions of “Mean Girls” for purchase.

Thanks for devoting article space to tell me something I could have found out in five seconds with my TV remote. Feast your eyes upon a paragraph that lands right at the nexus of utterly unnecessary and completely required. It’s over, Variety. You are now a speed bump on the Streaming Superhighway.

Co-starring and written by Tina Fey, “Mean Girls” stars Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Amanda Seyfried, Lacey Chabert, Lizzy Caplan, Daniel Franzese and Amy Poehler.

Remember when Variety wasn’t just IMDB with ad-copy? Yeah, me neither…

Here’s the synopsis of the cult-classic teen movie:

According to Box Office Mojo, Mean Girls had a $17 million production budget, made $24 million on it’s opening weekend, and gathered a worldwide gross of $130 million. It received good reviews as well. That is not a “cult classic”.

After living in Africa with her zoologist parents, Cady Heron (Lohan) must brave the wilds of high school where she is taken under the wing of the popular girls, The Plastics, led by the cool and cruel Regina George (McAdams). “What follows is a treasure trove of sharp, witty humor that defined a generation, inspired a hit Broadway musical and popularized countless catchphrases,” the studio says.

Apparently “cult classic” now means “hit movie we remember fondly”. Up is Down, Black is White, Garbage is haut couture, couture looks great. Blah blah Tina Fey something something girl power.

Paramount’s musical movie of “Mean Girls,” based on the Broadway adaptation, is set for theatrical release on Jan. 12, 2024 (after it was originally planned to debut on Paramount+). Reneé Rapp, Angourie Rice, Jaquel Spivey and Auli’i Cravalho star in the new movie, with Rapp reprising her turn as Regina George from the stage production.

Hmm. A film coming out in January, you say? Wow, it must be really good. Everyone knows that films released after the Oscar rush are always top quality.

You might say “why are you wasting your time with this? Aren’t you supposed to be too cool for these plebeian shenanigans?” I answer in two ways:

1. Shut up.
   
2. The emptiness of things is a philosophical reality that merits being pointed out. Mean Girls isn’t empty, it’s funny and thoughtful and honest. Liking Mean Girls isn’t empty; it’s a valid response to art. But celebrating Mean Girls like it’s a sacred ritual (a “cult-classic”) is a grotesque inversion of the relationship between people and their creations. It is post-modern idolatry, and as with ancient idols, Mean Girls cannot love you back. I may be a grumpy grumpus grumping on the grump stool, but I’m not wrong.