Love Your Movies, which had the sagacity and good taste to like my post from yesterday, has an exhaustive and mostly truth-telling list of what Hollywood is throwing at us this solstice:

  1. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter. I actually think this will do pretty well. It will bring in the Zombieland audience — people who like to keep horror genres at irony’s distance while enjoying their thrills.
  2. Battleship. The cheeseball version of Battle: Los Angeles. Appears abyssmally stupid.
  3. G.I. Joe: Retaliation. It’s amazing how much stuff I spent my childhood with that I don’t care about anymore. For example, I haven’t seen a single Transformers movie, despite still having a box of old Transformers toys from the 80’s. I just have no interest in seeing that story told again. Same thing here. Maybe it will suck, maybe it won’t. This is the last time I even want to consider the question.
  4. The Amazing Spider-Man. I don’t think anyone is going to want to see this. Eight years passed between the excreable Batman & Robin (1997) and Batman Begins (2005). By contrast, Spiderman 3 only came out five years ago. Nostalgia needs a little more time than that.
  5. Total Recall. That’s more like it. I have a feeling Colin Farrell will not be favorably compared with Ahnuld, though. Just a hunch.
  6. Men in Black 3. If five years is too little for a re-boot, ten years is too long for a sequel. I don’t even remember anyone particularly liking MiB2; everyone I knew who saw said that the little gravel-voiced dog stole the movie. And now we’re tacking on a lame time-travel premise? Hey, K, what’s this thick, viscous stuff down here? Why, that’s the bottom of the well, J.
  7. Bourne Legacy. In which there is no Jason Bourne. So this is a movie about stuff that Jason Bourne might have done, if he wasn’t too busy buying a zoo. Yeah, whatever.
  8. Prometheus. Hold the phone a second. Are you telling me that Hollywood is actually giving us a summer blockbuster that isn’t a sequel, re-boot, mash-up, or homage to another film or TV show? Really? Well, hell, I might just go slam down money to…what? It was originally supposed to be an Alien prequel? *sigh* Nevermind…
  9. The Avengers. Everything I hear about this is that it’s AWESOME and AMAZING and AMAZINGLY AWESOME and BETTER THAN THE DARK KNIGHT and TOTALLY WORTH WAITING THROUGH SEVERAL NONDESCRIPT MOVIES WITH THE NOTABLE EXCEPTION OFIRON MAN FOR. I’m not saying the movies being hyped. I’m just trying not to go in with huge expectations.
  10. The Dark Knight Rises. I actually don’t care all that much if this is as good as The Dark Knight. If it manages to be the Return of the Jedi of the series, I’ll score that a win. The only thing I don’t want to happen is for Batman to get killed. I can’t expalin it, but that would kind of ruin it for me.

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