Gay Green Lantern is Gay (UPDATED)

This is why I pretty much only read Batman. Because Batman is too completely messed-up a character to have a normal sexual life, his comic is also blessely free of this kind of horsefeathers.

Green Lantern sucks. I know this because I have never read it. I have never read it because it’s a dude/series of dudes who have magic rings which enable them to do pretty much anything they want. Any conflict in any Green Lantern story is therefore completely manufactured.

Superman has the same problem. Superman is God in a fancy outfit. Superman can fly, shoot heat from his eyes, blow cold from his mouth, survive a nuclear blast, and see through anything except lead. The idea that such person can be held in check by a corrupt Moriarty-type staggers all reason. It’s boring, and so is Superman.

Whereas Batman is plausible. Batman is self-made. He’s a rich guy who decides to make himself a terror to the underworld to avenge himself. He wasn’t forced to become Batman by a galactic gamma wave or a secret government project or a (ahem) radioactive spider.

Not pictured: Cancer.

But best of all, Batman stories are not about Batman’s idiotic love-life. Which is good, because — news flash — a lonely plutocrat orphan who devotes his energies to beating the crap out of criminals and sociopaths is emotionally retarded. Yeah, he knocked up Ras al-Ghul’s daughter, and then abandoned her. Yeah, there’s Poison Ivy, Gotham’s resident vegata dentata. And the on-again, off-again Catwoman flirtation. But Batman is never going to be anyone’s husband, or really anyone’s lover. He’s a warrior-monk.

So I don’t have to deal with the question of Batman preferring sausage to taco, because it’s completely irrelevant to being Batman.

So why is one of the Green Lanterns now gay? Is being gay really important to the intricacies of being chosen to have the magic ring and then flying all over the universe fighting alien warlocks or whatever?

Of course not. We know why Green Lantern is now gay. Green Lantern is now gay because DC Comics wants to show themselves off as the kind of modern, sensitive writers who could totally write a gay superhero. Because we’re all expected to applaud themselves for having the courage to show the Protector of the Universe furtively eyeing other guys’ butts. And if anyone has any kind of objection to so doing, we can pat ourselves on the back for being better than them.

If they made Batman gay, then that would be because they decided Batman really was gay. Making Green Lantern gay is a sad attempt to make Green Lantern more interesting. It won’t work.

UPDATE: Bill Quick thinks me a fool. So does one of his commenters. I’ve been away from my blog, so I hadn’t even noticed until just now. So I guess that makes them right.

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