A Series of Predictions on Upcoming Star Wars Films

Predictions are usually wrong. If Game of Thrones has taught us nothing else, it’s that what we expect to happen is not what’s going to happen at all. I was convinced that all of Snowcean’s Seven was going to die in the Land of Always Winter except Jon Snow. I had a whole theory posted to reddit, in which I declared that every single one was going to be murdered before our eyes as one last reminder that we should get attached to no one. I thought I had it figured out. I thought I’d drilled down to the show’s source code.

It’s hilarious how wrong I was.

So I’m fully comfortable with any one of these being dead wrong.

Let’s dance.

Predictions for Solo, Which Comes Out This Month

Han-Solo-Movie-Poster-Star-Wars-Characters-Revealed

  • Everyone will go in with very low expectations. The rumor about this film is that it’s been a giant clusterbomb that’s been 90% reshot. Everyone who hated The Last Jedi will have all guns trained on it, ready to blast it to hell.
  • It will not suck. It will not be brilliant. It will not become anyone’s favorite SW film. But it won’t suck. It will be entertaining. I will like it better than Rogue One.
  • The story won’t have much if anything to do with the main SW plot. We won’t see Vader, we won’t see Leia, we won’t see Obi-Wan Kenobi. It will be entirely about being a criminal smuggler under the Empire.
  • People’s reactions will very from “meh” and “whatever” to”That was better than I thought,” “actually kind of fun,” and “Best SW Prequel.” There will even be some “better than Last Jedi” (there will also be some “worse than Last Jedi“).
  • It will do decent box office. People will have a bunch of dumb arguments about What That Means.

Predictions for Star Wars Episode IX, Which Comes Out Next Year

Star-Wars-9-news-902922

  • Whatever the title will be, people will moan about it, even though it will follow the same Flash Gordon/Republic Serial formula as the rest of them.
  • When the trailer drops, dorks will film themselves reacting to it. Because they’re dorks.
  • “Reylo” is going to happen. Kylo Ren and Rey are so into each other I half expected them to kiss after they were done fighting Snoke’s guards. The plot will involve some manner of plot device that will put them together, to give them a final scene. I’m not sure I can predict it, but if Rey finishes the film preggo with the Last Scion of Skywalker/Solo, I will not be shocked.
  • “Frose” will probably also happen, and it will be irritating. Rose kissing Finn in Last Jedi was easily the most tired, shoehorned, lifeless thing about it. The hug between Rey and Finn carried way more emotion, affection, and mild erotic charge. A giant Love Quadrangle involving both of these couples is not out of the question.
  • I hesitate to make other plot predictions, but given that the whole Superweapon device has been beaten to death, I intuit that the maguffin will be some kind of mystical energy resource, of ancient Jedi or ancient Sith lineage. I’m thinking holocrons or something similar.
  • We will see Ghost Luke. I don’t care if Mark Hamill declares under oath that he has no involvement with this film. Believe nothing until you see it.
  • I have this fond hope that we will also see Ghost Anakin, so everyone can get nice and angry about seeing Hayden Christensen in SW again, but also so Anakin can righteously denounce his errant grandson. I would enjoy that. Odds of it happening: enh.

I will make no further predictions until the teaser or the trailer (i.e. the trailer and the longer trailer) give me something to make informed wild guesses about.

 


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