I come to the chilly end of April and realize how little of pop culture has any impact on me anymore. The front page of Variety may as well be intel from another planet. For example, James Corden leaving “The Late Late Show” is the first time I realize that he was the host of “The Late Late Show”. Also, who exactly is James Corden? I get that he’s chubby and British, and I feel like I’ve seen him in something, but I’ll be damned if I know what.
I’ve sort of paid attention to the ongoing Depp-Heard duel, but only insofar as the memes have crossed my consciousness. I don’t care at all. The balance of opinion on the internet is that Amber Heard is a Monster of the Deep. Will not dispute. In pictures she looks like she’s just barely Holding It Together, which may be an act, because these are all people who play pretend for a living. Johnny Depp looks old for the first time in his life. Don’t get married again, Johnny. If this doesn’t teach you that you’re not cut out for it, you need to be in receivership worse than Britney Spears.
Speaking of which, she’s pregnant and is no longer posting nudes on Instagram. Good, I guess?
In mildly less lurid news, the Top Gun sequel that no one asked for is finally gathering the typical opening plaudits. Since it’s not showing Maverick fighting MiGs over Ukraine it’s 100% an aesthetic failure, so I look forward to the sort of people who despised the original back in the day reading it as a call to Stand For YouKraine moar harderer.
There’s also going to be a Hunger Games prequel and a 4th John Wick movie. Because of course there is.
Bemusement is the only sane response to any of this, Buddhist detachment. They’re going to shill this crap as long as they can get away with it, as long as there are people who allow the marketing to make them feel something. They’re going to do that because every part of our society primes people to do that. It won’t go on forever, but it will.
It’ll be available in Paperback as well, very shortly.